Friday, April 29, 2005


Quote of the Day:

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in - 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.' - Richard Jeni

Oh, there's a bike in this picture? Today's BOTD:



If you live long enough, you'll see that what goes around comes around, I guess. A popular hairdo in ancient Rome:



And a popular hairstyle today:



Speaking of ancient Rome, this is the painting that inspired Ridley Scott to shoot the movie Gladiator (starring Russell Crowe):



Boyz will be boyz:



A T-Shirt for us boyz:



And we can't forget youze girlz:



Here ya go girlz. A snack food made just for you for when you're watching them NASCAR races with your hubby:



Shades of Jon Benet. Starting 'em young:



For you cheap batards who don't wanna pay retail for jewelry, you'll love this very cool site:



THINGS YOUR WIFE OR GIRLFRIEND WON'T DO:

Hubby's shock after he spots vice girl advertisement
By Allan Hall

A MAN caught his wife working as a high-class hooker after he saw her advert in a newspaper. When he called her up, she said: 'What can I do for you, big boy? I will do the things your wife won't.'

Distraught Uwe Peters shouted down the phone: 'But you are my wife, you tart.'

It was the end of a five-year marriage which, up until then, he described as 'perfect'.

Ina Peters, 35, left her home and Uwe, 42, every morning for five years dressed in a sober business suit.

He thought she was the executive secretary at a major cable company in Leipzig, Germany.

But minutes later, she was at her secret flat changing into French knickers, stockings and thigh-length boots.

There she became Peggy, a hooker who advertised her services as 'specialising in doing those things your wife or girlfriend won't'.

She either visited clients at top hotels or they came to her for £300-an-hour sex sessions.

Six days a week, including Saturday nights, she lived her double-life - until last week, when Uwe noticed his wife in the newspaper advert, He said: 'I saw her in a mini photo in the sex announcements of the newspaper.

'I called her up and she was horrified. Not as horrified as me though. It was the end of our marriage. I went straight away and threw out all our wedding day pictures. It was sad too because I really loved her. I had no idea that she had deceived me like this. My self-esteem is not too high now. She told me she was out with the girls on Saturday nights. What a lie.'

More bar (sex) trivia with Cliff:

Longest Orgasm - Male: Yet another example of inequality in the sexes. The typical male orgasm lasts anywhere from 3 to 8 seconds, though its possible through deep breathing and regular exercising to extend it to -oh, maybe 10 seconds or so. Pitiful, you may think, compared to the Herculean orgasms accomplished by some women, but sex is usually measured in terms of satisfaction of the male; in fact, the anthropologist Margaret Mead uncovered societies in which the female orgasm is unknown. So I guess it all evens out in the end.

Females as you probably know, are capable of multiple orgasms without having to rest between. However, women are capable of much more:

What you probably didn't know is that women are capable of sustained orgasm, called status orgasmus. These start with a 2 to 4 second "spastic contraction" and last twenty to sixty seconds. One woman who experienced a 43-second orgasm, consisting of at least 25 successive contractions. Status orgasmus is usually the result of self-stimulation, but a woman can experience it at the hands (or whatever) of a suitably skilled lover.

Fastest Orgasm - Male: Certain rare individuals-1 in every 1250 men, to be precise, can ejaculate by deliberately concentration on sexual fantasies without any genital manipulation whatsoever, for a total time to orgasm to be - well, right around zero seconds. As Kinsey put it: "In such a case the psychic stimulation is entirely responsible for the result." Truly, the mind really is the most powerful sex organ.

Female: In his book, Dr. Kinsey & The Institute for Sex Research, Wardell B. Pomeroy recounts the case of one extraordinary woman who had near-godlike powers in the sack. His words: "I remember one woman who was capable of from fifteen to twenty orgasms in twenty minutes. Even the most casual contact could arouse a sexual response in her. Observing her both in masturbation and in sexual intercourse, we found that in intercourse her first orgasm occurred with two to five seconds after entry." Ladies, eat your hearts out.

Largest Ejaculate Volume: Besides us, who else would be concerned about ejaculate volume? Why, fertility experts, of course. If ever in the vicinity of a large library you might want to dig out a fun article entitled "The semen of fertile men: statistical analysis of 1300 men," by Aquiles J. Sombrero, MD et. al. and published in The Journal of Fertility and Sterility. The data were collected from an outfit that performs vasectomies. Prior to vasectomy each man was required to submit a specimen in a special container, on which was recorded the time of collection and the duration of abstinence prior to collection. The length of abstinence is probably the most critical factor, as it has been calculated that a man generates about 0.4 ml of seminal fluid for each day of abstinence. The mean volume recorded was 3.2 +- 1.4 ml, but some were really off the scale: one star produced 11 ml of fluid, more than three times the average. Another source, Reproduction and Sex (Swyer, 1954), opines "volumes up to 15 ml have been recorded," though it doesn't say where. No doubt there are some who claim to have seen larger deposits, but I suspect under close scientific scrutiny such claims don't quite (heh-heh) measure up.

Arousal:

Fastest Erection: Erection speed is determined by many factors, such as fatigue, how much alcohol you've imbibed, the general health of the organ in question (you do include pubococcygeus curls in your daily exercise regimen, right?), and the degree of arousal. In Sexual Behavior in the Human Male (1948) Kinsey records a few remarkable individuals who could achieve erection in as little as 3 seconds.

Longest Sustained Erection: Before the introduction of Viagra, men suffering from impotence often underwent surgery for penile implants, the simplest of which consists of two bendable, semi-rigid rods that are inserted in the penis through an incision. When you feel the situation demands an erection, you just bend your wazoo into an upright position, since what you basically have is a giant pipe cleaner. The chief drawback of this method is that you are left with a permanent erection, which can be something of an embarrassment in locker rooms and whatnot. Such surgery was pioneered in 1972, which means there are men waltzing around with boners lasting 27 years.

Non-surgical conditions of unusual erection durations are called priapism. This is the unfortunate result when blood is unable to drain as it would in a normally flaccid penis. Priapic erections can be caused by blood disorders, such as sickle-cell anemia or leukemia, but sometimes stem from an inexplicable application of stupidity on the part of its owner. A Guyana newspaper awhile back carried the story of one meatball who, wishing to prolong an upcoming rendezvous with his girlfriend, overdosed on cantarden, a drug used for putting horses to heat. Sure enough, the drug had its intended effect, but the man discovered, to his horror, that his penis had become painfully erect and refused to go down. After days of agony, he reluctantly sought medical assistance, hoping he could keep the whole thing confidential. Luck wasn't with him, and when the word slipped out he soon became a laughingstock, nicknamed "staff sergeant" by the locals. I mean, talk about adding insult to injury. After three weeks of humiliation and misery he underwent surgery. Now the only problem is he can't get it up. Ouch. Take lesson from this, folks, and leave the drug experimentation to the professionals.

Most Prevalent Position: Arabs call it "the manner of serpents". In Tuscany, it's known as the "angelic position." To us, it's the "missionary position," (erroneous, because in all likelihood missionaries had nothing to do with it--the term dates to the 1960s), where the woman lies down on her back with the male on top of her. Though some societies favor other positions (Polynesian cultures, for instance) for the majority of nations it accounts for 75 percent of all the positions used by married couples and a somewhat smaller percentage for unmarried. Here in America it's especially popular, used exclusively by 85 percent of married couples (Sex in America: A Definitive Survey, Little, Brown, and Company, 1994).

Promiscuity:

Most Virgins Deflowered: On his third voyage, in 1777, Captain Cook visited the Pacific island kingdom of Tonga, where he met King Fatafehi Paulah (reigned c. 1770-84), 36th of the Tu'i Tonga dynasty. A corpulent but husky octogenarian, the king claimed that it was his royal duty to deflower every native maiden. He said that he had never been with the same woman twice and was presently performing his appointed task 8-10 times a day, every day. Assuming he never wearied, and subtracting an arbitrary 65 days a year for illness and whatnot, he would have despoiled around 37,800 damsels during his reign.

Busiest Lover - Male:

Anonymous (b. c. 1900)-52,000: In his famous 10-year sex survey, Alfred Kinsey noted the case of a man whose frequency of coitus was 33.1 acts a week, over a period of 30 years—almost 52,000 in all. Other researchers have recorded examples of people who have engaged in sexual intercourse twice a day for 30 years.

Wilt Chamberlain (1936-2000)-20,000: In his autobiography A View from Above the legendary basketball star claimed to have intercourse with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Presumably a large percentage of that figure can be attributed to groupies, who are always an eager outlet for the super athletes libido.

King Ibn-Saud (1880-1953)-20,000: From the age of 11 until his death at 72, the Saudi Arabian monarch had sexual relations with three different women every night-except during battles. Using the same method of conjugal computation as for that of Brigitte Bardot, Ibn-Saud would have had a total of 20,000 different liaisons throughout his lifetime. When I first read this it brought to mind a famous Mel Brooks quote: "It's good to be the King!"

John Curtis Holmes (1944-1988)-14,000: Having lost his virginity at age 12 to a 36-year-old friend of his mother, John early on began on a path of sexual indulgence that would ultimately cost him his life. Blessed with an inordinately large manhood-by his own account 10-inches long-John used his asset to launch his successful vocation as a porn actor. At the height of his career he was making $3000 a day from films and reportedly as much selling himself as a gigolo, in addition to the payback and graft he was getting by drug running. Through such bacchanalia it's estimated he copulated with more that 14,000 women in his life, both on and off screen.

King Edward VII (1841-1910)-7,800: Rebelling against his strict childhood, he turned to indulging himself in women, food, drink, gambling, and sports. Though married, his wife turned a blind eye to his extramarital activities, which continued well into his sixties and found him implicated in several divorce cases. Its estimated he slept with about three different women a week for nearly half a century.

King George IV (1762-1830)-7,000: At the age of 17, this English monarch was said to have become "rather too fond of woman and wine." Like his father he lived extravagantly, earning a reputation as a notorious gambler and a heavy drinker. When not boozing it up he would enjoy himself in the embraces of numerous mistresses. An apparent hair fetishist, he would ask each of his lovers for a lock of hair, which he would place in an envelope to be properly categorized and labeled. After he died his brother went through his personal belongings and found 7,000 envelopes, containing enough hair to stuff a sofa.

Female:

Julia the Elder (39BC-14AD)-80,000: Daughter of Roman Emperor Augustus, Julia was beautiful, intelligent, highly educated, and witty. Everything a woman might want was hers, save one: sexual satisfaction. And this not ten men, nor a hundred, nor a thousand could provide. Even as a young girl she delighted in exhibiting her flawless body publicly, preferring to wear translucent garments to maximize the exposure of flesh. It was during her childhood that she embarked upon her amorous adventures. Her lovers soon numbered in the dozens, then hundreds, then beyond, said to encompass half the virile youths of Rome. Still not satiated, she began offering herself to every passing stranger, whatever his color, age, or appearance. With a band of lascivious Roman women she wandered through the streets, accosting passersby and sometimes dragging them into the nearest alleyway, where the transaction would be swiftly concluded. She persisted in her unseemly behavior for many years, until exiled to the lonely island of Pandateria.

Mlle. Dubois (c. 1770)-16,527: "In the 12 years I have been married I have been had by perhaps 10,000 to 12,000 individuals," declares Mme. De Saint-Ange in Marquis de Sade’s Philosophy in the Boudoir, a character based on Mlle. Dubois' exploits. As it turns out, this astonishing figure is still far below the actual number tallied up by the renowned French Actress, who made a catalog of her lovers over a 20-year period. The final count: 16,527 individuals, which works out to about three per day.

Valeria Messalina (22-48 AD)-8,000: The wife of Roman Emperor Claudius, Messalina used her venerable position to compel subordinates to fulfill her sexual desires. At first she confined her activities to tame palace affairs, but her desire to indulge in the wildest of sexual excesses led her to search out new licentious adventures. Once she converted a palace bedroom into a brothel, disrobed, gilded the nipples of her tiny breasts, and invited the male public in to be entertained for the legally regulated fee. Another time she challenged a noted prostitute to a contest, insisting she could entertain more men in 24 hours than her rival. Pliny the Elder writes that Messalina won "for within the space of 24 hours she cohabited more than 25 times." Her rival in the competition is reported to have said: "Messalina's cunt was like an old army boot from having had so many men inside it."

Brigitte Bardot (b. 1934)-4,980: At the age of 40, the French film star boasted in an interview that she "must have a man every night." Assuming that her need began at age 20, and subtracting an arbitrary 76 days a year for travel, illness, etc., that would mean Brigitte had a total of 4,980 nights of sexual activity—and that's without considering daytime liaisons.

Ninon de Lenclos (17th century)-4,959: France's greatest sexologist during the 17th century, she set up a finishing school for she was once proposed by Cardinal Richelieu to spend a night with him in exchange for 50,000 crowns (worth about $20,000 in today's currency). She took the money, but sent a female friend in her place.

Most Sex Acts:

Male - For the aptly titled flick The World's Luckiest Man (Vivid, 1997), porn actor Jon Dough was required to do it with 101 women. Yeah, I know, the sacrifices we have to make in the line of duty. Ever the trooper, he managed 55 in one day, speedily moving from girl to girl (and act to act), climaxing between 5 to 6 times. Taking time off to recuperate, he did the remaining 46 two weeks later.

Anyone hoping to accentuate their video collection should know the movie suffers from the same problem afflicting the World's Biggest Gang Bang flicks (see below): i.e., exceptional quantity but questionable quality. If you want to preview it yourself, you might want to clear your schedule beforehand: the film is three-and-a-half hours long.

Female - One of the stranger manifestations of recent times is this obsession with big: big movies, big business, and now, it seems, big gangbangs. The first of these, by a 22-year-old student named Annabel Chong who had a voracious sexual appetite worthy of the mantle, was banged 251 times by 80 guys in a 1995 extravaganza (for free as it turns out, being screwed the 252nd time by sleazy porno producers who stiffed her out of her $12,000 fee). In April 1996 the record was surpassed by the sultry Jasmine St. Clair, who engaged in sex 300 times with 51 different men. Unfortunately for those hoping for a little eroticism this time around, it was obvious that Jasmine could barely conceal her revulsion at the industry and was only there to pick up a paycheck.

On February 1999 a woman named Houston set out to break all the records for a new video, sensibly titled World's Biggest Gangbang III. First, however, she would need to scrounge up some volunteers. An intense publicity drive was launched, including a couple appearances on Howard Stern, where she enticed listeners to be one of many to "sleep with" Houston. The pitch was certainly effective: The thought of making it with a 36DD blonde bombshell got the attention of every involuntary virgin and dateless wonder in the country. On February about 60 of the more intrepid ones arrived, armed with the required $85 HIV tests. Also along were a passel of news reporters, at least 40 "professionals" no doubt hoping for some free publicity, and an uncountable number of curiosity seekers. At 11:30 a.m. the spectacle began. Despite the grand buildup and hype, the sex itself seems in comparison anticlimactic. Like the preceding gangbangs, speed was of the essence, so men were hustled up to the waiting Houston and given a fixed amount of playtime. After 10 hours of work, intermixed with a few brief breaks, the results were computed. The final tally: 620 times.

Or so they say. The prevailing view among the crowd was that the numbers were heavily padded, derived by a brand of arithmetic that would make defense contractors green with envy. Many a cynical observer noted the count seemed to grow at a faster rate than the action warranted, and would inexplicably leap at times. Were the producers counting penetrations, the number of times of physical contact, or every mope who watched? At best this number reflects the organizers desperation in one-upping their equally disingenuous rivals, and at worst outright fraud.

In an interview with Salon.com Houston told one reporter "No, no. It's not about sex-[The guys are] in and out. It's an event. It's a world record. It's just a freak show, basically. It's for fucking freaks. I mean, I wouldn't watch it. I have Jasmin's video and I still haven't watched it." You may want to follow her advice.

Longest Lovemaking Session: When a reporter asked Mae West (1892-1980) how she went about writing her memoirs, the legendary sex star quipped, "I do all of my best work in bed." She wasn't kidding. In her autobiography she writes of how she and a sexual prodigy named Ted made love for 15 consecutive hours.

Celibacy:

Earliest Celibacy: Chastity didn't hold much value to our earliest ancestors-if you're not propagating the species, then what good are you?-and so individuals unwilling to perform were looked upon with something akin to scorn. Celibacy as a cultural value first appeared in the fifth century BC with the development of Buddhist and Jain monasticism in India. Of course, India during this period was experiencing severe food shortages and overpopulation, so maybe they were just reacting to the times.

Oldest Male Virgin: Life-long celibates don’t usually go around proclaiming their frigid existence, but I was able to turn up some info on several with the help of my feckful readership--all scientists and mathematicians. Leave it to the liberal arts majors to be more proficient at scoring tail. A short rundown:

Nikola Tesla (1856-1943), Died age 87: Eccentric if brilliant inventor of electrical devices (among them the AC generators that power most of the world), Tesla was less successful at having a personal life. He shunned physical contact of any type, going so far as to feign hand injuries to avoid shaking hands with people he just met. One female acquaintance who grew enamored of Tesla reportedly took the initiative and tried to kiss him, causing the reticent inventor to recoil in terror. In all likelihood he died celibate at age 87.

Sir Isaac Newton (1642-1727), Died age 85: Newt, it seems, was such a prude that he didn’t get into any relationship until he was middle-aged, and most historians believe it went unconsummated. It’s also unlikely that he availed himself of, ah, commercial outlets.

Paul Erdos (1913-1996), Died age 83: Single throughout his life, Paul preferred to live a monkish, nomadic life devoted to his studies in mathematics (he published over 1,475 academic papers during his lifetime). Of his celibacy he made no secret, telling reporters that as a child he "could not stand physical pleasure."

Feats:

Weight Lifting: Chi Kung is an ancient Taoist art of body control (it dates back to 2700 BC) and claims to resist disease, retard aging, prolong virility, and for all I know give oneself X-ray vision. Some have taken this unique art to new heights, claiming to achieve sexual nirvana by strapping weights to their penises and doing repetitive lifts. No kidding.

Practitioners of this brand of Chi Kung begin their sessions with an hour-long warm-up to stimulate the senses through breathing routines and stretches. After the blood has been stimulated, the men retreat to a small room and dress down to nothing but a T-shirt and a blue cloth wrapped around the midsection (nudity is strictly taboo). After the penis has been manually stimulated, barbells are then hooked onto a coat-hanger-like apparatus, which is tied securely around the base with a scarf. Students then commence the workout, which consists of several swinging and lifting motions designed to really work the muscles. Beginners start out with two and-a-half pounds, and some have eventually progressed to hefting truly colossal weights—we're talking in the hundreds of pounds. A striking demonstration of this was made in 1995 by a Hong Kong master named Mo Ka Wang, who lifted over 250 lbs. two feet off the floor. Sounds pretty impressive, and even if the supposed benefits fall flat you'll at least have an extra method of carrying groceries.

Joke of the Day:

**********************

Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life, but then she was called to her reward. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said: "Hold on, Sister Margaret...not so fast!"

"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath...I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.

"That is just the problem," replied St. Peter, "...you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong."

"Well what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.

"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished...we will discuss your situation then." ordered St. Peter.

Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking.

"Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up."

"Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready."

Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels.

"Saint Peter...I feel woozy...that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me...it is all I can do to keep it down."

"Good...good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong" said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense then call me."

A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:

"Hello, Pete...it's Peggy...It's gonna be a while!"

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to visit blogs I go. Later on, Crouton

Colin at 4:03 AM

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Quote of the Day:

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? - Lily Tomlin

Today's Hump Day Hunkette:



For my good bud Karen, here's a Hump Day Hunk:



And for your OFFICIAL Hump Day Hunk, go to Karen's site:



If you can name it, blame it:



What 'cha think?



Just another reason why boyz like summer and the beach:



More bar trivia with Cliff:

According to a survey carried out by Cornell University in the USA, men spend an average of 45 seconds using a public toilet to pee while women take an average of 80 seconds.

Aluminum was worth more than gold when it was discovered. It was first used to make a rattle for Napoleon's son.

33% of the population has 20/20 vision.

In Minnesota, it's illegal for a woman to be dressed-up as Santa Claus on city streets.

Bottled Pepsi and Coke caps were compatible until 1994.

The average Power Point presentation contains 19 slides and 3 colors.

The length of one's pinky is the strongest statistical predictor of intelligence.

The average American child goes through five security blankets before the age of seven.

There is a Ugandan tribe that punishes anyone caught lying by tickling them with feathers until they cry.

At the beginning of the popular Harry Potter series, J. K. Rowling wrote a premature death of Harry at the hands of Dumbledore in the event that the books were not commercially successful.

80 percent of licensed drivers would fail a parallel parking exam were they to take it today.

Network television stations have seen a 13 percent drop in viewership due to the rising popularity of television series DVDs.

On average only 19 percent of store bought goldfish will live past two weeks.

File clerks have a higher suicide rate than any other career of similar pay scale.

The biggest dog on record was an Old English Mastiff that weighed 343 pounds. He was 8 feet, 3 inches from nose to tail.

Smokey is the only celebrity in America with his own ZIP code- 20252. He's also the only bear in the world with his own secretarial staff. Th US government employs 3 fulltime secretaries to answer his mail. He was named after "Smokey Joe" Martin, Assistant Fire Chief in New York City between 1919 and 1930.

The World's No. 1 Pick-Up Line Is...

..."You have beautiful eyes."

That's the word from an Esquire magazine survey. And while that "beautiful eyes" line definitely works on American women--especially when the guy looks and sounds like he actually means it--the top pick-up line in the United States is:

"Don't I know you from somewhere?" (Word of advice: Stick with the eyes line, guys.)

Of course, those wild and crazy Brazilians have an even better idea. The top pick-up line there is: "You're delicious!"

How many dates should a couple have before she lets him in her bedroom?

American women: 5.5 dates
Italian and Spanish women: 5.4 dates
German and Israeli women: 5.3 dates
Dutch women: 4.7 dates
Australian and British women: 4.4 dates
Swedish women: 4 dates

Do you prefer sex or cuddling?

Fully 63 percent of American women said they prefer sex to cuddling, the lowest of all the nations, while 37 percent prefer to cuddle. The Italians lead the world in this respect with a whopping 83 percent opting for sex.



Famous (or, if you prefer, Infamous) Women (with thanks to Livy, Ovid, Suetonius, Plutarch, Herodotus, Mabelyn and others):

First up is:



Shajar al-Durr -- The only female sultana to rule in Islam:

Contrary to popular belief, harems were not the luxurious places we like to imagine and the images of voluptuous women clad in diaphonous robes preparing for endless nights of debauchery are oftentimes false. Heavily made-up, bejewelled, bare-breasted women lounging seductively beneath lush courtyards are all part of the mythical fabrications of the 19th Century Europeans.

In truth, the harem was much more like a prison than a luxury hotel. Girls were obtained as prisoners of war, brought in as slaves, or received as gifts from nobles. Since Islamic law forbade the enslavement of Islamic women, Jewish and Christian women were brought to the harem from distant parts such as Circassia (north of the Caucasus Mountains in Russia) and other regions. Upon entering the harem the women were taught reading and writing, dancing, embroidery and etiquette. They remained ladies in waiting to the Sultan's concubines and their children, then to the sultan's mother and if they were good they eventually had the chance to see the Sultan, which rarely ever happened.

The harem was a place full of intrigue and treachery and each woman did their best to outwit the others in order to gain the sultan's attention. Harems tended to be gloomy instead of glamorous. Guarded by black eunuchs, the harem contained as many as 300 rooms interconnected by dim corridors.

Baths were chilly affairs in spite of the efforts made to decorate them. Likewise, courtyards prevented women from looking out and passerbys from looking in. Windows were usually placed towards the ceiling and were barred with elaborate grills.

It was such a fate that awaited Shajar al-Durr, whose name means 'String of Pearls' and were it not for the untimely death of Sultan al-Salih Aiyub of Egypt she would have been just another woman among hundreds of women to live and die in the harem. Shajar al-Durr was born in Armenia and became a slave in the harem of the Caliph al-Musta Sim in Baghdad. A few years later, he gave her as a present to his vassal the Sultan al-Salih Aiyub of Egypt, who became enamored of Shajar's exotic beauty almost immediately. It was not before long that Shajar bore the Sultan a son, who died in childhood. Regardless of the death of her first born, Shajar became his favorite wife, and his Sultanah.

In 1249 the Sultan's unexpected death from cancer and tuberculosis caused Shajar al-Durr to think quickly and do what no other Islamic woman would ever be able to do again; to zeize control of Egypt. When Aiyub died, his only son, Turan-shah, was far away serving as viceroy in Mesopotamia and Egypt was at war with King Louis IX of France during the 7th Crusade. Knowing full well that if Aiyub's army learned of their leader's death they might disband, Shajar decided to conceal her husband's death. She sought the help of Jamal al-Din Mohren, the chief eunuch who controlled the palace, and Fakhr al-Dim, a soldier sworn to protect the palace. First, they circulated a rumor that the Sultan was ill, then they forged orders in Aiyub's name appointing his son as heir and Fakhr as chief general during his illness. Food was brought in every day for the Sultan, and Shajar kept up the deception, while a messenger sped to bring Turan-shah back to Egypt.

It took ten months for Turan-shah to reach Egypt and during all that time Shajar held Egypt's government together. By the time Turan returned, the French were defeated, and King Louis had been captured. Turan, however, showed no gratitude to those who had saved his kingdom and facilitated his ascent to power.. Instead of rewarding them, he granted power to his friends in Mesopotamia. Needless to say, his actions offended many and among them were the Mameluks. The Mameluks were corps of soldiers, who were slaves from Turkey and Circassia. They were the proudest unit of the army; the ones who had bravely fought and won the battles and the ones most offended when Turan answered their protests with drunken threats and curses.

When Turan threatened Shajar, whom he accused of holding his father's treasures from him, she appealed to the Mameluks for help. Already disgruntled with the Sultan's poor taste in company and his obvious disregard for those who helped him climb the ladder to power, the Mameluks agreed. On May 2 1250, as Turan was leaving an opulent feast, a group of Mameluks lead by Baibars, their most savage commander, burst in with drawn swords. In the skirmish, Turan was wounded and he managed to escape to a nearby wooden tower near the Nile. The Mamaluks set the tower on fire and watched as Turan flung himself into the river. The frightened Turan, fearing for his life, yelled apologies and offered to abdicate but it was too little too late. Whan the soldiers' barage of arrows failed to kill him, Baibars jumped into the river and finished him off with his sabre.

Since Shajar's own child had died and there was no other adult heir of the royal family, Shajar was proclaimed Sultana of Egypt. She reigned for eighty days until her subjects protested at the idea of having a woman rule over them. Her former master, the Caliph al-Musta Sim in Baghdad, offered to send them a man to rule but the Mameluk amirs decided that their senior officer, Izz ad-Din Aibek could marry Shajar and become a Sultan. Being interested in real power and not the trappings Shajar promptly agreed to the marriage.

A six-year-old child, al-Ashroof, a relative of the late Sultan, was made co-Sultan, but that arrangement didn't last long and soon he came to a bad end. Although Aibek was Sultan, Shajar continued to control the country. For seven years she ruled, minted coins under both their names, received ambassadors and had the audacity to demand that she be addressed as Sultana. She aided Aibek in extinguishing his Mameluk rivals, who were either exiled or killed, but Aibek continued to desire more power and resented his wife's manipulation. Here she received ambassadors and conducted the affairs of state while Aibek was left to begin to struggle to acquire some real power in his own right. Secretly Aibek was busy arranging a marriage between himself and the daughter of the Syrian Amir of Mosul, in an attempt to broaden his power base. He had ample reasons to be worried about his current wife and to compound his worries an astrologer had forewarned him that he would be slain by the hand of a woman. Highly superstitious, Aibek took the warning to heart.

Tipped off by one of her husband's Mameluks, the incensed and jealous Shajar resolved to murder her ungrateful husband. To protect herself from her husband's supporters, Shajar scribbled a hasty note to a known enemy of her husband's that read, "Learn this: after putting the Sultan to death, I intend to marry you and place you on the throne of Egypt." Fearing a trap, Aibek's enemy told him of his wife's plans to murder him. A royal dowshah ("quarrel") of epic proportions took place as Aibek confronted his queen about her treachery. He left her chambers in a rage and went to play a game of Polo. Immediately Shajar ordered five of her husband's eunuchs to muder him while he bathed. It is said that halfway through the grisly task she was overcome with unusual remorse and begged the murderers to stop. Knowing that if Aibek lived they would all be killed, Shajar's pleas were ignored.

Terrified, the guilt striken queen tried in vain to spread the word that her husband had died a natural death but the truth leaked out and with it the realization that she had a lot less allies than she had thought. She was jailed in the citadel with her jewels that she supposedly groud to dust with a mortar and pestle. Aibek's son, al- Mu'izz was appointed as the next sultan and he delivered Shajar to the slavewomen of Aibek's first wife who, after stripping the sultana proceed to insult her and finally to bludgeon her to death with wooden shoes. Her brutally lascerated body was flung from the red tower of the citadel into the moat. Compassionate supporters collected the remains of the former sultana and buried them in a small mausoleum that she had built for herself.

The Mosque of Shajar al-Durr still stands today as a testament to the life of the Islamic world's first and last Sultana; a slave girl who managed to rule Egypt.

Jokes of the Day:

**********************

After she woke up, a woman told her husband,

"I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said with a smile.

The woman could hardly think of anything else all day and she couldn't wait for her husband to return home.

That evening, the man finally came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it excitedly to find a book entitled...

"The Meaning of Dreams"

**********************

Two friends, one very wealthy and the other quite poor, were sitting in a bar late one night. They were talking about
different things when the poor man asked the rich man,

"So what did you end up giving you wife for her birthday, the Mercedes or the diamond ring?"

"I got her the Mercedes AND the diamond ring," says the rich man.

The poor man, a bit puzzled, asked, "Why the hell did you get her both?"

The rich man replied, "I got her both so if she doesn't like the ring, she can drive her new car back to the jeweler's to exchange it. So... What did YOU buy for YOUR wife?"

The poor man says, "I bought her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo."

Obviously confused, the rich man asked why he chose those items.

The poor man replied,

"Because if she doesn't like the flip-flops, she can go fuck herself!"

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's blog hopping I shall go. Later on, Crouton

Colin at 4:25 AM

Monday, April 25, 2005

Quote of the Day:

Adam and Eve had the ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

Today's BOTD:



Maybe because it's Monday?



Youze girlz and your wily ways:



You betcha:



I asked the very same question:



More bar trivia with Cliff:

One out of five fire alarms are set off by pranksters.

The average successful convenience store robber gets away with $537.

The first thought bubble in a comic drawing dates from 1699.

The average human sees 39 sunsets for every one sunrise.

Mongol cavalry riders set fire to reeds placed on top of their helmets before battle.

66 percent of people will start playing a musical instrument at some point in their life. 92 percent of those people will stop playing that instrument within one year.

The end point on the number 6 is called the "reference edge."

84 percent of Americans say they have a fear of public speaking, almost twice the number of French citizens who report having this fear.

It is possible to determine the dominate side of a snake by seeing which fang is longer.

A University of Wyoming study commissioned by the federal government found that the minimum amount of snow needed to adequately build a snowman is 1.5 inches.

Archaeologists recently discovered a primitive coffee filter from 3200 BC.

NASCAR tattoos outnumber NHL tattoos five to one nationwide.

64 percent of all men part their hair.

42 of 65 criminals executed in 2003 requested beef dishes for their final meal.

2,588 bullets exist for each handgun in North America.

Last year, at least $3.6 million in coins were thrown into fountains in the United States.

A recent survey reveals that 41 percent of internet users have come across a picture "disturbing enough that [they] want to forget it, but cannot".

Humans share more DNA with cats than with dogs.

Volcano eruptions big enough to spread ash over the entire globe occur once every 548 years on average. There have only been two in the last 2000 years.

Most people thumb wrestle better with their non-dominant hand.

The average McDonald's drive-through window makes a mistake in one third of the orders placed.

Every year, $22 million worth of sporting event tickets are purchased and never used.

Half a million sack lunches are made in New York City every day.

78 percent of shampoo packages describe their contents as "revitalizing."

More money is spent on petroleum jelly in the United States than the world's 25 lowest GDPs combined.

The technical name for the arrow showing where you are on a map is a geonavigraph.

Copyright experts estimate that 41 percent of photocopies made infringe on at least one copyright law.

A band with a permanent accordion player has not made the Billboard Top 100 since the Eisenhower presidential administration.

Mice cannot see the color blue.

61 percent of Americans don't know the lyrics to "The Star Spangled Banner."



Jokes of the Day:

**********************

The teacher asks the students: "Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."

" That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you John, how would you say it?"

" I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

" That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

" I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

**********************

A typical family of hillbillies, Paw, Maw, Jethro and little Sally.

One day, Jethro asked,

"Paw, what is Sex?"

Paw says, "Since you are a big boy I'll show you."

Paw hollers, "Maw get yourself in here!"

Paw then says, "Maw, take your clothes off and get on the bed. Now spread your legs."

Paw says, "Jethro see that thar little hole on Maw? Now watch this!"

In the midst of Paw's demonstration Little Sally comes in and exclaims,

"What's goin' on?"

Jethro answers, "Paw is teaching me about sex."

Little Sally asks, "What is Sex?"

Jethro replies,

"See that little hole on Paw? Now watch this!"

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's blog hopping I shall go. Later on, Crouton

Colin at 4:13 AM

Friday, April 22, 2005

Quote of the Day:

Watch the Discovery Channel. You'll see lions eating gazelles, having sex, and sleeping in the sun. All the animals do on the Serengeti is eat, fuck, and lay around for photographers -- kind of like porn stars.

Yowza. Today's BOTD:






Here ya go, girlz. A little dose of reality:



Is honesty about this REALLY the best policy?



Hey girlz, flaunt 'em if you got 'em (before they head 'south' on ya, don't 'cha know):



Speaking of buns:



How true is this, girlz



You girlz do learn young:



Ride Suki, Ride. Oh, them wacky, wacky Asians:



Thank goodness technology doesn't stand still:



Aaah, memories of Dear Old Mom's home cooking:



Speaking of cooking, how boyz know when...



When you just can't take his shit anymore:



Cute License Plate:



Why Her Friends Know Your Business
By Patti Lamberti
© Fun Online Corporation

You know the saying: "Women... You can't live with 'em. You can't live without 'em."
This holds true when it comes to girlfriends, wives and mothers. But chances are, you could probably live without many of your woman's girlfriends. You know which ones: the so-called-friends of hers who give you suspicious looks. The ones she calls to commiserate with whenever you make an innocent mistake, like forgetting your anniversary. The ones she's probably told every dirty and embarrassing secret about your sex lives to (trust us, she has).

You may be wondering why your relationship feels crowded by her friends, why they're always lurking around, why they know more about your love life than you do. And most importantly, you may be wondering if you'll ever be free of them. Here we answer all of your questions and more:

Why does your lover tell her friends dirt about your relationship? Women simply reveal more details about their private lives to friends. Guys watch football together. But when women get together, it's to talk about their families, friends and significant others. Whose to say which type of relationship is ultimately healthier?

Why are her friends always calling and dropping by? Her friends miss her. Once you walked into your lover's life, you took her away from her friends. They'll jump on any opportunity to spend more time with your woman, even if that means having to listen to hear gripe about (or praise) you.

Why do her friends analyze you? Women like to compare and contrast. In order for one friend to know if her man is sub par, she needs to know how her friends' lovers act. Hopefully, they're saying you're the king of them all.

Will her friends ever go away? Remember the saying, "Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer." Don't bother trying to step between a woman and her girlfriends. There's a good chance she'll choose them, not necessarily because she likes them better, but because you'll look like a control freak. Even if her friends make you cringe, befriend them. It will benefit you in the long run. If her friends think you're great, the next time your woman says, "He's a jerk," they may just try to change her mind.

More bar trivia with Cliff:

In Maryland, it's illegal to play the novelty hit, Short People, by Randy Newman, on the radio.

Mata Hari's real name was Margaretha Zelle. She took the stage name Mata Hari when she became an exotic dancer, prior to becoming a spy during World War I.

Robin Hood's real name was Robert Fitz Ooth.

March 9 is "Useless Facts and Trivia Day."

The common silkworm has eleven brains, but it only uses five of them.

English has 26 letters in its alphabet. Tamil has 248.

Wallpaper was first used as a decoration for Chinese tombs.

Colgate's first toothpaste came in a jar.

The typical lead pencil can draw a line that is thirty five miles long.

Vibrators are illegal in Alabama. A law makes it illegal to "produce, distribute or otherwise sell sexual devices that are marketed primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs."

Bob Dylan's real name is Robert Zimmerman.

The first Olympic games to be televised were the 1936 games in Berlin.

The word for a misheard lyric is "mondegreen."

Soldier Field is the oldest field in the NFL.

All spiders are cannibals.

Australia is the only continent without an active volcano.

Thirty-seven percent of all Christians describe themselves as born-again or evangelical.

"Scelerophibia" is the fear burglars.

The original name for Mickey Mouse was Mortimer Mouse.

There is a species of moth that lives entirely on cow tears.

Ancient Rome had rent-a-chariot businesses.

"Fraternity" was once a term used by thieves to describe themselves.

Australians are the heaviest gamblers in the world.

"Menophobia" is the fear of menstruation.

Seven percent of Americans think Elvis is still alive.

The mass of the Sun is about two trillion, trillion, trillion tons.

According to the polls, the most disliked animal in the world is the snake.

The American Automobile Association (AAA) was founded with the sole purpose of warning drivers about police speed traps.

A group of peacocks is called an "ostentation."

The name of the Wicked Witch of the West's head winged monkey in The Wizard of Oz was named Nikko.

In an early draft of Star Wars, the character of Luke Skywalker was called Dirk Starkiller.

Stalin loved Tarzan movies.

Shambles" used to mean "slaughterhouse."

Jesus Christ spoke Aramaic.

When Google was a Stanford research project, it was nicknamed BackRub because the technology checks backlinks to determine a site's importance.

The black lines on a basketball are called the "channels."

Popeye's hometown was Sweethaven.

The first vertebra is called the "atlas," because it holds up the head.

"Stygiophobia" is the fear of hell.

Hares and rabbits never mate with each other.

India is also known as Bharat. Bharat was the name of an ancient Hindu king.

The underside of a horse's hoof is called a "frog."

The two most commonly sold items in grocery stores are breakfast cereals and soda.

Sir Isaac Newton was born the same year Galileo died.

Joke of the Day:

**********************

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss".

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said.

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to visit blogs I go. Later on, Crouton

Colin at 4:10 AM

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Quote of the Day:

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Today's Hump Day Hunkette:



For my good bud Karen, here's a Hump Day Hunk:



And for your OFFICIAL Hump Day Hunk, go to Karen's site:













This falls into the category of "Don't get mad, Get even." Oh yeah, he got $280 for the whole lot on ebay:



Taking the guesswork out of it for us boyz:



Seen at a women's hockey game:



New Policy, Dubya?





Nice Tops, girlz:







Build your own submarine:



Fun with Numbers. More bar trivia with Cliff:

The average American eats 46 slices of pizza a year.

Baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms per day.

The average man spends about 3,500 hours of his life shaving, removing about 30 feet of whiskers.

Buckingham Palace has more than 600 rooms.

The production number assigned to The Wizard of Oz by MGM was 1060.

Twinkies are 68 percent air.

The largest school in the world is City Montessori School in India. The school has more than 25,000 students, with grades ranging from kindergarten to college.

The Grateful Dead were a one-hit wonder. Their only top 10 hit was "Touch of Gray."

Olympic badminton rules say that the shuttlecock has to have exactly 16 feathers.

The Earth orbits the Sun at a speed of 67,000 miles per hour.

There are 22 stars in the Paramount logo.

Alaska could hold the 21 smallest states.

At age 12, an African named Ernest Loftus made his first entry in his diary and continued, every single day, for 91 years.

A rhinoceros produces up to 60 pounds of droppings in the course of a day.

There are 24 flowers on each Oreo cookie.

When Egyptian conquered Libya in the 13th century B.C., they took possession of 13,320 penises of their defeated enemy.

Cleopatra married two of her brothers.

One out of four children in the U.S. is overweight.

The average canary has about 2,200 feathers.

Americans eat 12 billion bananas each year.

The Pentagon has 284 restrooms.

One billion seconds is about 32 years.

The average bank robbery yields just $4,400 for the criminal.

Napoleon had an enema every day.

Americans have sex 132 times per year, on average.

Each employee at Ben & Jerry's headquarters gets three pints of free ice cream a day.

Since the United Nations was founded in 1945, there have been 140 wars.

It costs .81 cents to mint a penny.

When McDonald's opened its first restaurant in Kuwait in 1994, the drive-through line was seven miles long.

The average person speaks 125 to 150 words per minute.

Shaggy from Scooby-Doo's real name is Norville Rogers. His home address is 224 Maple Street, Coolsville.

The U.S. Bureau of Engraving and Printing produces about 37 million notes a day.

Jimmy Hendrix was a "one-hit wonder." He only cracked the top 20 one time, with "All Along the Watchtower."

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. That's the equivalent of a human jumping the length of a football field.

There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun.

There are 3,000 types of lice.

Room temperature is 68 degrees Fahrenheit.

Of the six men who made up the Three Stooges, three of them were real brothers—Moe, Curly and Shemp.

Iguanas have two penises.

Eighty percent of millionaires drive secondhand cars.

In 1916, Georgia Tech's football team beat Cumberland University 222 to 0.

The average human brain accounts for two percent of a person's total body weight.

Elephant trunks can hold four gallons of water.

The average age of Forbes magazine's 400 wealthiest individuals is 63.

Smokey the Bear has his own zip code. It's 20252.

The average resident of Nevada gambles $846 each year in casinos.

Of the 17,000 poems Emily Dickenson wrote, only seven were published during her lifetime.

President James Monroe spent the last 50 years of his life with a bullet in his shoulder.

Twenty percent of all publications sold in Japan are comic books.

The Sun is at least 94% hydrogen.

The world's record for keeping a Lifesaver in the mouth with the hole intact is seven hours and 10 minutes.

More redheads are born in Scotland than other part of the world.

The average iceberg weighs 20 million tons.

Bill Gates gets four million e-mails each day, but only about 10 make it to his in-box because of his anti-spam software.

Eighty percent of migraine sufferers are female.



Joke of the Day:

**********************

There was a man resting and enjoying the view on the beach. He saw a young lady coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to visit blogs I go. Later on, Crouton

Colin at 4:20 AM

Monday, April 18, 2005

Quote of the Day:

This we know: the earth does not belong to man, man belongs to the earth. All things are connected like the blood that unites us all. Man did not weave the web of life, he is merely a strand in it. Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself. -Chief Seattle, in a letter to the President in 1852

It's a state holiday today and it's time again for the Boston Marathon, the oldest road race in the country.

Today's BOTD:



Okay, it's Monday. What better day for this?



You remember that classic line from the Al Pacino movie, 'Scarface'? Works well with this picture, too:



A little something for us boyz:



Just exactly where did Wylie Coyote get all that stuff to use against the Road Runner? Why from ACME Products, that's where:



Show your support for Kirstie Alley in helping her get back to her former self:



A new reality show from ABC:



A coupla religous items:

Something for some of youze girlz of a certain religous pursuasion:



While we're awaiting the the Conclave of Cardinals to elect a successor to the Throne of Saint Peter, here's some Vatican papal history:

VATICAN CITY (AP) - Conclaves have a checkered, colorful past that belies the air of sanctity and solemnity surrounding modern papal elections.

The first time cardinals were locked up until they elected a pope was in 1241. The Holy See was in a state of virtual war with the German emperor, Frederick II, who held two of the 12 "princes of the church" prisoner.

Anxious for a new pope, the ruler of Rome had the remaining 10 cardinals confined in a squalid, crumbling palace. It worked. After a relatively short 60 days, they elected Celestine IV.

But Celestine lived just 17 days and a long and anxious interregnum of 18 months followed.

Another even longer interregnum came after the death of Pope Clement IV. By the fall of 1271, the Throne of St. Peter had been vacant for three years. Again, the people locked up the cardinals, this time putting them on a diet of bread and water. The roof of the papal palace was also ripped off, exposing the cardinals to the elements.

Again, extreme measures worked. Within three months, the cardinals had elected Pope Gregory X, who decided to institutionalize the practice of the conclave, a word that literally means "with a key."

Gregory's rules were tough - the cardinals' rations were slowly reduced over the course of the conclave - but they worked. The next few papal elections were quick.

Conclaves weren't just tough, they were often hotbeds of political intrigue and corruption.

In his memoirs, Pius II, one of the Renaissance popes, recalled with distaste the unsavory plotting at the 1458 conclave in which he was elected. Most of it took place in the privy, he said, calling it "a fit place for such elections!"

The 1484 conclave wasn't much better. The man who became Innocent VIII bribed electors by signing their promotions in his cell the night before the decisive vote.

The bribery was even more naked in the 1492 election of the Borgia family pope, Alexander VI. A worldly and ruthless Spaniard who had at least eight illegitimate children by three women when he became pope, he handed out dozens of plums - abbeys, fortresses, towns, bishoprics - to nail down votes.

Secular interference was often as blatant as the corruption. For centuries Europe's Catholic monarchs claimed the right to veto candidates and it eventually became routine for their ambassadors to attend conclaves.

The last veto was exercised as recently as 1903 by Emperor Franz Joseph of Austria and Hungary. The new pope, Pius X, then abolished the royal right of "exclusion."

© The Associated Press. All rights reserved

It seems like old Pammy is coming out of acting retirement to star in a new show called 'Stacked.' This from a girl whose only acting talent consists solely of shoving her big boobs in front of a camera. As Pammy herself tells it, she never did any real acting, so how could she 'retire' from the business?



Speaking of 'celebrities':



Marketing Geniuses:









Oh, them wacky, wacky Asians:





Five Secrets of Successful Couples
By Laura Snyder - Copyright Fun Online Corporation

While there are a million different ways to fall in love, the ways of staying there have a few common denominators. To ensure your love goes the distance, make sure you're using these winning strategies.

Success Secret #1: Maintain Your Own Identity

No matter how independent you are, being in a serious relationship has a way of sucking you into being a couple. Your lives can't help but get increasingly entwined - which can be great - but can also mean that you feel both dependent and depended on. But successful couples know that no matter how much you love each other, sometimes you feel trapped. That's why they make sure to have 'me' time, 'me' hobbies and even 'me' friends. Bringing that individuality to your union is what made it so exciting at first... and into the future.

Success Secret #2: Fight - But Fairly

Constant conflict is no friend to your relationship, but avoiding a fight is actually counterproductive to maintaining a solid union. If you keep your gripes under wraps, you allow resentment to build, which will eat away at your bond. When you do clash, keep it civil. No cheap shots, no getting physical, no accusations. Remember that the goal is not to win and win big, it's to get what's bothering you out in the open and come to a mutually satisfying solution.

Success Secret #3: Sweat the Small Stuff

It's tempting, once settled in a secure union, to forget the little courtesies. Remember when you were still trying to impress each other with niceties - opening doors, sending little love notes, surprising them at work with lunch - and still remembered the big things, like respectfully listening to each other? Often that stuff stops over time, as you slowly take each other for granted or start putting other things - your career, kids, or hobbies - before your partner. But successful couples keep the spotlight on each other, staying interested in each other's opinions, talking them up to other people, taking them seriously.

Success Secret #4: Keep the Bedsheets Burning

While that gotta-have-you-now feeling might fade a little with the years, successful couples still manage to keep the lust alive by making passion a priority. They continue finding new ways to please each other and stay affectionate, even through the occasional (and inevitable) dry spell.

Success Secret #5: Keep Working At It

Even though they're successful, happy couples don't rest on their laurels. They know time and a false sense of security can erode even the strongest bond, so they regularly have "state of the union" conversations to determine the happiness of both parties. And when someone's unhappy? They work to fix things.

This kinda goes with the above:



Cool Belt Buckle:



Fact or Fiction:



A new way to have hot fun in the summertime:



S & M Rubber Ducky:



Another roll of quarters, please:



Definitely A Chick's Chopper:



More bar trivia with Cliff:

47 percent of political advertisements on television feature smiling children.

Paperclips were first manufactured for the US Army in 1915.

An estimated 1.3 trillion pictures are taken each year.

The average American home contains 6.7 books of matches.

In October of 1922 a mob of over 200 elevator operators in New York City set fire to the first push button elevator factory, which they saw as a major threat to their livelihood.

The New York City Police Department has a $3.3 billion annual budget, larger than all but 19 of the world's armies.

93.1 percent of households have at least one individual serving-sized packet of ketchup or other condiment.

There are more rings in America than there are fingers.

Despite great attention paid to the issue, 71 percent of people say cable news has either "very little bias" or "no bias at all.

Between the age of 18 and 30 the average woman will be given 29 flowers.

43 percent of adults admit to picking their nose while in private.

Emergency rooms treat more ankle injuries than any other kind of injury.

Morticians receive the highest salary immediately after trade school than any other profession.

Between 1978 and 1989 Fiat trailed the auto industry, unveiling cars with a lower amount of horsepower than any other car on the market.

2 percent of people in America have wooden legs.

Parakeets are the lightest domesticated animal.

Joke of the Day:

**********************

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit...

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... including the curtain rods...

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's blog hopping I shall go. Later on, Crouton

Colin at 3:56 AM

Friday, April 15, 2005

Quote of the Day:

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me. - Bobcat Goldthwait

Yahoo! Summer's coming! Today's BOTD:



Oh-Oh:



Oh Really?



Hmmmmm:



25 Things Women Wish Men Would Figure Out (All the stuff we expect you to know without our telling you):
by Laura Snyder

Saying "I love you" before, during or after sex doesn't count.

When we ask you how we look, "fine" is not an appropriate answer.

We obsess over whether you'll call from the moment we give you our number.

We fantasize. But it's usually about you.

We love it when you email us at work.

No matter how cool we seem about it, if you did something bad, we're pissed off.

Don't patronize us by asking if our bad mood is because of PMS.

Don't ever tell us what to do, even when we ask you to.

We will leave you if you lie to us.

We're unimpressed by men who don't take the lead. Be a man, dammit!

We love when you hold our hands.

We need to hear how you feel about us. Tell us right now. And again in ten minutes.

We want to be the best thing that ever happened to you -- and for you to know it.

If we don't feel loved, we'll start looking elsewhere.

Don't talk about your ex. Ever.

We like porn, too.

We remember everything about our relationships. Yes, everything.

We let you fix things.

You're sexiest when you're: sweating, driving, shaving, or holding a baby.

We've faked it.

Groping and foreplay are not the same thing.

While we're on the subject: more foreplay!

If we're not having sex it's because: we feel fat; we don't feel very close to you, or we are punishing you for not doing something our way.

We're afraid to meet your mother.

We think you should have already known all this stuff.

More bar trivia with Cliff:

The average parking meter citation is issued 28 minutes after the meter has expired.

38 percent of all income tax returns processed by the IRS are postmarked on the April 15th deadline.

On average, a stoplight will stay green for 22 seconds.

21 percent of Americans will never touch a dumbbell in their lifetime.

There are over 3,000 distinct languages spoken on the African continent.

Linguists estimate that the first precursors to language had both nouns and verbs, but that adjectives were not introduced until at least 3000 years later.

The yellow coloring in one Goldfish cracker would still be visibly yellow if diluted into ten gallons of water.

Until it expired in 1981, the Kleenex company's patent "A method for folding and stacking tissue" was their main point of differentiation from other brands. Now most brands use this method, which keeps one tissue sticking out of the box.

Prescription drugs account for nine percent of legal drug sales by unit, and 64 percent by revenue.

The first Matrix movie has the highest ratio of box office revenue to promotional spending of any Hollywood movie. The third movie, Matrix Revolutions, had the seventh lowest.

The average mother gets 7.1 hours sleep a night whereas hospital doctors get a measly 4.5 hours in an average night, according to a survey by the Sleep Council.

Jokes of the Day:

**********************

An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 45 gives a damn what you might think about her.

Older women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness and are generous with praise, often undeserved.

An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Older women couldn't care less.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. They always know.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Her libido's stronger, her fear of pregnancy gone. Her experience of lovemaking is honed and reciprocal and she's lived long enough to know how to please a man in ways her daughter could never dream of.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one.

Unfortunately, for every stunning, smart, babe of 45, there is a bald, paunchy relic in plaid pants making a fool of himself with some 22 year old waitress.

**********************

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very aggressive and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat and wouldn't calm down until her sexual needs had been met.

"What do we do?" There was no male of this species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Cletus, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.

Now Cletus, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Cletus to satisfy the female gorilla.

So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks?

Cletus replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Cletus announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her."

"Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what was the third?

"Well," said Cletus, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to visit blogs I go. Later on, Crouton

Colin at 4:21 AM

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Quote of the Day:

Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. - Bob Ettinger

Today's Hump Day Hunkettes:



It's that day of the week for ...



For my good bud Karen, here's a Hump Day Hunk:



This one's for Mark:



Hey girlz, you ever wonder how a guy decides to buy his clothes?



BOSTON - An electronic road sign on Cambridge Street flashed "EXPECT DELAYS" and "ROAD WORK AHEAD" but also alerted drivers that "PORN IS GREAT."

It's the second time such a message has appeared along the delay-plagued stretch of roadwork in Beacon Hill, but state officials aren't laughing.

"Obviously the message is unacceptable and was taken down Sunday night," said Jon Carlisle, spokesman for the state's Executive Office of Transportation.

He said while there are some electronic signs that can be hacked into remotely, someone broke through a locked panel to change the flashing message on this one.

"That's pretty clever," said Chris Hickey, 27, of Boston while walking by the sign.

But her friend, Andrew D'Agostino, said he would have aimed for something more original.

"Of course it's (porn) great, tell me something I don't know," he said.

Nice Jewelry:



Okay girlz, now don't get mad if when you get home from work you discover that your guy has turned the coffee pot into a beer making machine:



Top Ten Reasons Why a Vibrator Is Better Than a Man:

1. It keeps going, and going, and going.

2. A vibrator can keep going as long as it takes to satisfy you. All it needs is a power supply, and batteries are a lot cheaper and easier to get than Viagra.

3. You don't have to worry where else it's been. Unless you picked it up at a yard sale, you won't have to give a second thought to who else might have used your vibrator before you. And you won't have to worry about your vibrator jumping in another woman's pants when you're gone, unless if you have a freaky roommate.

4. Vibrators can have more than one speed. Most guys have two settings: full speed and off. Vibrators have variable controls and let you pick the pace and intensity.

5. A vibrator won't ask you if it's bigger than all other vibrators you've had. Vibrators aren't insecure about their size or ability, and don't keep asking for reassurance. Big or small, they just get the job done.

6. A vibrator doesn't roll over and snore. A vibrator won't finish before you and fall asleep. When you're done with it, just shut it off and tuck it in your night stand drawer, then get a peaceful night's rest with the bed to yourself.

7. It's ready when you are, and only when you are. With a flick of a switch, your vibrator is ready to give you pleasure. On the other hand, when you're tired or have a headache, you won't get in bed and find your vibrator turned on.

8. Vibrators are designed for your pleasure. A penis is designed for procreation and male sexual pleasure, not to stimulate the clitoris and bring a woman to orgasm. A vibrator, on the other hand, was created with women in mind. Use the right tool for the job.

9. No germs. A vibrator can't get you pregnant or give you an STD. You'll never have to worry about birth control, condoms, or safe sex. If you like the feel of latex, slap a condom on for easy cleaning.

10. Vibrators are easy to replace. If your vibrator breaks, wears out, or is defective, it's easy enough to buy another one. Of course, a guy is easy to replace too, but you can't order one online and get home delivery.

Some New State Quarters:



You gotta admit, if you girlz are careful, it's a lot less painful than gettin' nipple piercings or nipple clamps:



Speaking of "bras", some things are just not made to be invented:



More bar trivia with Cliff:

"Tool Time," featured on the show "Home Improvement" was modeled after an actual cable access show in Portland, Oregon, named "Time for Tools."

Contrary to Soviet propaganda stating "The Communist Manifesto" was the first book to travel into space, the first work of literature to leave Earth's surface was "The Brothers Karamazov", carried by Yuri Gagarin. Gagarin left his copy of the manifesto in a defective spacesuit shortly before launch.

23% of people are thought to suffer from Involuntary Nervous Relay Syndrome, in which sensations from one area of the body are thought to be felt in another. The first case of INRS was found in 1894, when a Cincinatti man believed he could smell with his right knee.

Stoning was not ruled unconstitutional as a method of execution in the United States until 1932.

In a royal command performance of "Romeo and Juliet" in 1606, Mercutio accidentally stabbed Tybalt in the arm, badly wounding the actor. The following performance replaced both actors for that scene only, the first documented use of stunt doubles in history.

Over 28 miles of receipts are printed every day in America.

The average deck of cards is missing two cards.

Celebrities who have appeared in one or more movies are almost twice as likely to die of lung cancer than a typical person.

Washing machines account for 38 percent of household water use.

Despite the increased focus on accuracy in the media, the number of fact checkers employed at major U.S. newspapers has declined 62 percent since 1999.

150 witnesses testified during the murder trial of OJ Simpson in 1995.

1/3 of ALL potatoes are sold as french fries.

According to 2004 tax filings, the Central Intelligence Agency claims to have only 600 employees.

Speaking of the CIA:



Jokes of the Day:

**********************

The Baseball Guide to Sex:

Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?

"Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second base!"

Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure. Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older.

What's a person to do?

But let's face it, there are more than four stages in todays day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the Bases.

First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days:

First Base - This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.

Second Base - Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.

Third Base - Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.

Home Run - This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.

Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present them without further ado:

Standardized Guide to the Bases:

On Deck - Having plans for a date

Strike-Out - Duh!

Walk - Kissing

Bunt - Masturbation

Single - Tongue kissing

Double - Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels

Triple - Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation

Inside the park home run - Oral Sex

Home Run - SEX!

Ground Rule Double - would have sex, but no condom

Error - Condom breaks during sex

Banned for life for gambling - sex without condom

Hall of Fame - Marriage

Balk - Premature ejaculation

Pine Tar - KY jelly

Relief pitcher - Vibrator

Rain Delay - parents/roommate return home unexpectedly

Box Seats - Waterbed

Seventh Inning Stretch - Unusual positions

Rookie - Virgin

Switch Hitter - Sex with her one night, and her sister the next

Minor Leagues - Under 18

Loaded Bases - manage a trois

Grand Slam - Sex three times in twelve hours

Foul tip - VD

Three up and three down - impotency

Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old confusion with current clarity:

OLD WAY - We, um got to third base, I guess and then we, um got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her...

NEW WAY - First, there was a triple, then we got and inside the park home run, and started thinking, it's Hall of Fame time.

NEW WAY - So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher.

**********************

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.

"I'm lookin' for the meanest, toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.

"We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest, roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon."

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"

Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.

"I don't", replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first."

**********************

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub." He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."

**********************

The 12 pack:

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies, "Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night."

The son then asks his father, "What's the 6-pack for?"

The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.

The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for....."

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to visit blogs I go. Later on, Crouton

Colin at 4:45 AM

Monday, April 11, 2005

Quote of the Day:

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? - Robin Williams

Today's BOTD:



With all of them 'To Do' Post-Its, she'll be workin' a lot of overtime, I guarantee:



Speaking of blondes (with apologies to my good bud Karen):

Q. Why did the blonde return her scarf back to the store?
A. It was too tight.

Q. What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A. They're both empty from the neck up.

Q. How do you recognize blonde girls in school?
A. They're the ones who erase their notebooks when the teacher erases the blackboard.

Q. What's it called when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?
A. Artificial Intelligence.

Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the YMCA sign?
A. Look, they spelled "MACY'S" wrong.

Q. What do you call a blonde behind the steering wheel?
A. An airbag.

Q. How do you know when a blonde has been using the dishwasher?
A. It's clogged with paper plates.

Q. Did you hear about the blonde who bought an AM radio?
A. It took her two weeks to figure out she could play it at night.

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Thinking "Outside of the Box" many hundreds of years ago:

A merchant had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to the local moneylender. This moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the merchant's beautiful daughter so he proposed a bargain. He said he would forgo the merchant's debt if he could marry the merchant's daughter. Both the merchant and his daughter were horrified by the proposal. The cunning money lender suggested that they let providence decide the matter.

The moneylender told them that he would put a black pebble and a white pebble into an empty bag. The girl would then have to pick one pebble from the bag. If she picked the black pebble, she would become the moneylender's wife and her father's debt would be forgiven. If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father's debt would still be forgiven. But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into jail.

They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the merchant's garden. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the bag. He then asked the girl to pick her pebble from the bag.

Now, imagine you were standing in the merchant's garden. What would you have done if you were the girl? If you had to advise her, what would you have told her? Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:

1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.
2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and expose the moneylender as a cheat.
3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.

Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking. The girl's dilemma cannot be solved with traditional logical thinking. Think of the consequences if she chooses the logical answers. What would you recommend the girl do?

The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.

"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked."

Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had picked the white one. And since the moneylender dared not admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Most complex problems do have a solution, sometimes we have to think about them in a different way.

Barbie sure has come a long way since she dumped Ken. She's now a smokin', gun-totin' doll. And, oh yeah, just in case you were wondering, you'll notice that she's right handed (heh-heh-heh):



Hmmmmm, but we already knew that:



For those of you who can't hit the confessional on a regular basis:



Five Phrases That Make Her Feel Good:

We don't often turn to Homer Simpson for relationship advice, but occasionally he's right on the mark. "When it comes to compliments," he's said, "women are ravenous blood-sucking monsters, always wanting more... more... more! And if you give it to them, you'll get plenty back in return."

Try one of these painless phrases next time you need to feed her inner beast.

How Was Your Day?

You hit all the major points here. You look interested in her daily routine (and every meaningless minor drama, which you will no doubt hear in great detail) and you come off as the understanding confidant allowing her to vent her problems... especially since you'll be taking care to avoid the classic male mistake of trying to solve them for her.

"You're Great in Bed"

In one smooth compliment you assure her of her sex appeal whether you've been together two weeks ("Whoo-hoo! He thinks I'm hot!") or two years ("Whoo-hoo! He still thinks I'm hot!"). You'll make her feel like a man-slaying sex goddess - and when she's feeling that good about herself she'll probably share those hot-tamale talents with you more often.

"Could You Help Me?"

Women are nurturers by nature, so she's genetically programmed to want to take care of you. And she's flattered when you respect her enough to ask her advice on how to ask for a raise or what color to paint the living room. Plus, women are suckers for guys who are man enough to admit when they need a hand.

"How Do You Feel About..."

Pick anything, it won't matter. Clichéd, yes, but most women do love to talk about their feelings. And you're going to be the compassionate, sensitive man who asks about them.

"Only You Could Make Me So Happy."

Surprised to see that "I love you" didn't crack the top five here? Here's why - it's just not enough. Sure, it's nice that you love her, but it's a little generic. What she really wants is to hear how indispensable she is to your life. She wants to feel unique... and that she is uniquely appreciated by you.

Another good office cube sign:



Hmmm, I've heard of gas coming out, but not going in:



Happy Now?



Boyz will be Boyz:











Girl in training?



Top 4 Best Movie Couples of All Time:

1. Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn: "Adam's Rib" and "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner"
2. Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton: "The Taming of the Shrew", "Cleopatra", and "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
3. Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall: "The Big Sleep" and "Key Largo"
4. Leonard Whiting and Olivia Hussey in Franco Zeffirelli's 1968 version of Shakepeare's "Romeo and Juliet".

The Fanny Pack -- Not Just For Fanny's Anymore:



Work It, Baby:







More bar trivia with Cliff:

The presiding doctor at an execution by hanging is known as a ligophysician. Certifications in ligophysiology are available only in the states of New Hampshire and Washington.

Though the guitar has existed in a recognizable form since the 13th century, standard guitar tuning (E-A-D-G-B-E) was not invented until 1891.

Ancient Latin and Aramaic are related to every modern language, but not to one another.

Persons with severely depressed immune systems are advised against consuming soft cheeses, as they may contract a bacterial infection.

A rattling noise in an automobile engine can be indicative of 19 different mechanical problems.

2.5 million fortune cookies are consumed every day.

Christian August Selmer, of Norway, is the longest serving public official in the world. Born in 1816, he held one elected office or another from the age of 18 until his death 1889.

When cooking at home Americans are more likely to cook spaghetti with meat sauce than any other dish.

While biologists have been able to determine the evolutionary need for most human facial features, there is no accepted theory for the evolution of the protruding nose.

The average person wears a pair of pants for 22.6 months before getting rid of them.

Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7.

Coffee has absolutely no nutritional value.

The coffee tree is really an evergreen shrub. It grows to about 25 feet high.

An average cup of coffee contains 100 milligrams of caffeine; a cup of espresso has 200.

In 1883, about 50 years before Monopoly, George Parker went into the game business. His first product was a card game called Banking. Later, with the help of his brothers Charles and Edward, he revolutionized the toy industry by introducing mass-produced board games.

There are enough molecules of hydrogen cyanide, if collected and concentrated, in one cubic kilometer of air to kill.

The anti-depressant Prozac was held back by the FDA for nearly a decade because the consumption of the pill by mice almost invariably proved fatal.

Eight out of the ten oldest known people living today were born prematurely.

37 percent of Scottish citizens still believe that the Loch Ness monster exists, despite the confession by the photographer of "Nessie" that the monster was a hoax.

The Humm-Vee has the worst safety record of any American-made car.













Speaking of airplanes, Airline Providing Mile-High Service:
By: Walker Robinson

It is the Mile High Club, and now an area business is trying to cash-in on sex in the skies. The service is so controversial one nearby airport has already declined to have it.

San Antonio Air Tours is promoting sex on airplanes.

"When you say the Mile High Club, you don't have to explain it to anyone," Phillip Carroll with San Antonio Air Tours said. On the plane for the tour, there is a mattress behind the pilot's seat and a curtain separating you from the pilot.

"They can get a nice romantic flight, and they can do whatever they like in a private cabin," Carroll said.

But not everyone likes the idea.

"It's not at all what we would have in mind and not what we want," Castroville City Manager Jack Yates said. Officials at Castroville's municipal airport said they do not want Mile High Club activities originating from their strip.

"We're a family-oriented airport," Yates said.

"We don't want to do business anywhere the business isn't wanted," Carroll said.

Carroll said some flights originate out of San Antonio's Stinson Airfield, a city-owned airport.

"We do have some latitude at the airport itself, but once the plane takes off it's really an FAA issue," city spokesman David Hebert said.

Pending guidance from government officials, the city has not yet expressed an opinion about Carroll's business, but a Stinson airport manager has removed brochures from a lobby area.

The FAA is expected to make a decision on this subject within the next few weeks.

The cost of a Mile High Club flight is $250 a couple.

Jokes of the Day:

**********************

Rules of Engagement:

Why Masturbation Is Better Than Sex -

Your hand always lets you finish first.
It's free.
Same reason my Chevy is better than a Ferrari: It's all I can get.
You call the position.
"Premature ejaculation"?
No weird looks when you pull out the peanut butter.
Your privates are your best friend.

**********************

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says:

"You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing.

The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's no way in heck that could happen!"

"No, it's true," said the first man, "let me prove it to you."

He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who is astonished.

"You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must've been a one-time fluke. That was scientifically impossible!"

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. He takes the elevator back to the bar. Once upstairs, he
successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try it.

"Well, what the heck," the second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so I'll try it!" He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward - rapidly passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...his body hits the sidewalk with a loud "splat."

Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head. He says,

"You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

**********************

The Advances Of Women In Achieving Equality Throughout The World:

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.

**********************


Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

**********************

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar,effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided,"I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal.

"Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,there's always room for a couple of beers."

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to visit blogs I go. Later on, Crouton

Colin at 4:24 AM

Friday, April 08, 2005

Quote of the Day:

A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad. - Christopher Case

This is the reason why guy's like summer weather. Today's BOTD:



I'm sorry but I don't know of any guy who would let a woman get close to THAT area with a flaming object:



A woman's worst nightmare:



Clever Sign:



C'mon boyz, let's go camping:



747 - 1, Skydiver - 0:



Yup, it's the best policy, alright:



Probably very true:



A moment in time that changed the course of history:

On November 8, 1923, Hitler made his putsch and Ernst Franz Sedgwick Hanfstaengl, Hitler's chief propagandist, also known as "Putzi" among the Hitler gang, was by his side in the famous "Burgerbraukeller" (Beer - Hall). The next day Hitler and his followers were marching in Munich.

When the police started firing, after Hitler's followers shot and killed 4 policemen, Hitler sprained his shoulder by a fall on the pavement and 30 seconds after the police had started firing, in defense, he fled and went into hiding at the Hanfstaengl farm, in Uffing, south of Munich... in the meantime he (Hanfstaengl) fled to Austria.

Two days later, on November 11, the police had tracked Hitler to the Hanfstaengl villa and arrived there to take him into custody. Hitler was hiding in the attic wearing a pair of pajamas. Mrs. Helene Hanfstaengl raced up to the attic to warn Hilter of his impending arrest.

According to Mrs.Hanfstaengl Hitler was frantic, brandishing a pistol and vowing that he would not let those swine arrest him again like they did in 1921 -- he would kill himself first. Hitler would have killed himself with a bullet in his head if Mrs.Hanfstaengl had not disarmed him with a jujitsu hold.

It boggles the mind to think of what the world would be like today if Mrs.Hanfstaengl had been unsuccessful.

Oh-Oh. Them damn closed circuit TV cameras are everywhere:



Speaking of which:

Q. What do a Rubik's Cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with it, the harder it gets!

------------------------------------

Q: What is a Yankee?
A: Same thing as a quickie, but a man can do it by himself!

------------------------------------

Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. His hand caught fire.

------------------------------------

Q. What is the ultimate kind of rejection?
A. When you're masturbating, and your hand falls asleep.

------------------------------------

Q. What is the most sensitive part of the body during masturbation?
A. Your ears — to listen for footsteps.

------------------------------------

Q. What's the difference between "hard" and "light"?
A. You can get to sleep with a light on.

------------------------------------

Q. Why is masturbation better than sex?
A. Because you can see what you are doing.

More bar trivia with Cliff:

The official term for the fear of clowns is coulrophobia.

Levi Strauss blue jeans with copper rivets were priced at $13.50 per dozen in 1874.

Ever since the murder of Pope John XII in 964, the Vatican has avoided the use of the number 12. It is referred to in all holy documents as "Unodecum et Unum" ("eleven and one").

Three quarters of the ships recorded lost at sea by the World Maritime Bureau have never been found.

Queen Elizabeth II is the first Queen of the Britons to play a musical instrument: the french horn. Interestingly, King Louis XV of France played the cor anglais.

Estonia is the only eastern-european nation never to have undergone civil war or other internal strife.

Propensity for hairy feet is inherited through the mother's side.

26 percent of the water consumed in the U.S. is bottled.

Over the course of their lifetime, the average person will own 11 pieces of luggage.

The natural oils found in coffee beans have been shown to reduce the risk of eight different types of cancer.

Each penny costs more than one cent to mint, meaning the federal government loses money in the production of the smallest value coin.

The average sink contains 3.2 unwashed dishes.

Joke of the Day:

**********************

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car. After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."

Later on, Crouton

Colin at 4:37 AM

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Quote of the Day:

My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.

Today's Hump Day Hunkette:



For my good bud Karen, here's a Hump Day Hunk:



Of course, for your OFFICIAL Hump Day Hunk, you must go to Karen's site:



Check this out:



Banned Australian Ad:



An eyechart for guys:



This'll work:



Oh-Oh:



A sign for the work cube:



More bar trivia with Cliff:

If you disassembled the Great Pyramid of Cheops, you would get enough stones to encircle the earth with a brick wall twenty inches high.

According to a new study, 56 per cent of players in the NFL would be considered obese based on their weight alone

The average person will consume 2.4 pounds of salt every year.

Nearly half of all new products introduced this year will be discontinued within six months of their introduction.

The number of words sent over Internet text messaging programs such as AOL Instant Messenger and MSN Messenger in a 24 hour period exceeds the number of words in all the books in the New York City Library.

Over the course of their education, the average college student will produce 96 pages of formal written work.

74 percent of cell phone calls last less than one minute.

From when it is minted to when it is taken out of circulation, a one dollar bill will be handled by an average of 14,000 people.

The average person does laundry once ever 9.4 days.

J. Robert Oppenheimer, father of the atomic bomb, had a crippling fear of cats.

Over the course of a day, a person will excrete almost three quarters of a cup of sweat.

The backup generators in the basement of the Capitol can power the building, and its extensive network of offices, for six months.

Joke of the Day:

**********************

A young couple took their three-year-old son to doctor Cohen. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him bagels with cream cheese. That should solve the problem."

The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm bagels and cream cheese in the middle of the table.

"Gee, mommy," the boy exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father."

**********************

A college professor in an art class asked his students to sketch a picture of a naked man.

As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches, he noticed that one of the young ladies, a striking blonde, had sketched the man with an erection.

Slightly flustered, the professor said, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."

She replied, "What other way???"

Later on, Crouton

Colin at 5:04 AM

Monday, April 04, 2005

Ah, the beauty of being retired. The Lovely D and I don't have to worry about the clocks being pushed ahead, back or even if time stands still.

Quote of the Day:

It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane. - June Henderson

Today's BOTD:



Here's one for youze girlz:



And for youze redneck girlz, what could be better than preparing a special supper for that man of yorn after he's had a hard day of backwoods huntin' and fishin' -- a nice hot plate of skwerl with all the fixins':



Yeah, right:



This works for me:



A couple for them pesky coworkers of yours:

Yeah, that's the ticket:



While we're at it:



So tell me again exactly how does this work at prevention?



Thanks for the tip:



At least he's got a plan:



No Money? No Problem:



It's baseball season again. And yeah, the Red Sox got beat by the Yankees. But, as Alfred E. Newman says, What, Me Worry?:



Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest:



Speaking of football, if I was you Brudda, I'd go for that touchdown in the "end zone" and not a field goal through the 'uprights', if you get my drift:



No wonder boyz like golf:



Boyz will be Boyz:



Just in case you were wondering:

St. Isidore of Seville.

Born at Cartagena, Spain, about 560. He died 4 April, 636.

St. Isidore is the patron saint of computer technicians; computer users; computers; and the Internet.

With all them porn sites on the Internet, I'll bet he's spinning in grave, n'est pas?


Getting Serious? 5 Things You Must Know: In the early stages of your romance, all that mattered was that you could agree on what movie to see or where to go for dinner. But if things are getting serious, it's time to find out if you're on the same page on these big issues.

It's All About the Benjamins:

More than any other issue, couples fight about money. And that's probably going to be true regardless of how compatible you are otherwise. That said, though, you can minimize those clashes by making sure early that you're the same - or at least similar - pages when it comes to how, where and why your money is spent.

Let's Talk About Sex:

Right after money as a fight issue, there's sex. Hopefully, you both agree that you should be having it. And agree that what you are having is pretty darn good. But do you agree on the frequency with which you're having it (or not)? Are your needs, or tolerance, for kink compatible?

Family Matters...

How important are your families to you? When things get share-the holidays serious, whose family will you spend them with? Are you going to be expected to see them regularly? Or just show up on major feast days? While we're talking about family - will you be having one? For most folks, the baby issue is pretty non-negotiable... do you want kids? How many? And how will you be raising them?

...And Other Big Important Life Issues:

So, will you be living in the suburbs, the city, or out in the sticks? How willing are you to move if your partner's dream job opened up somewhere else? Is someone staying home with the kids, or will you both be climbing the corporate ladder?

Can You Compromise?

So those are the kind of things you need to be thinking about. Basically, if it's important to you, it's important to your union. All those other issues might not matter…as long as you're on the same page when it comes to compromise. Know what issues are dealbreakers for you and which ones you'd be willing to cut some slack on.

Copyright Fun Online Corporation
By Laura Snyder

More bar trivia with Cliff:

The day after President George W. Bush was reelected, Canada's main immigration website had 115,000 visitors. Before Bush's re-election, this site averaged about 20,000 visitors each day.

Thw word vodka comes from a Russian phrase that means 'Water of Life'.

The average tea bag contains two grams of tea.

Heresy is from the Greek word meaning 'choice'.

Dwight D. Eisenhower, father of the interstate highway system, first had the idea for the system in 1919.

Over the course of one evening, a mole can dig a tunnel 300 feet long.

According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the heaviest known raccoon weighed 64.9 pounds, almost 30 times more than the weight of a normal raccoon.

The only two-barreled tank in history, the German Leopard Mk-IV, also proved to be one of the least effective. It was pulled from production after only two months in 1944.

The ratio between the mass of the Achea Fern's roots to its above ground mass is nearly 18:1.

The average large pepperoni pizza has 27 slices of pepperoni.

The occurance of Harlequin Ichthyosis, a condition that causes profound skin deformities and often proves fatal, has increased 367 percent in babies born from 1990 to 2004.

In 1993, a lake was discovered in southern Uganda that contained 14 previously undiscovered species of fish. All are thought to be found nowhere else in the world.

George Fox, founder of the Quaker movement, suffered from Parkinson's disease.

The longest mathematical equation published in a scholarly journal was 215 pages long.

12 percent of the U.S. population considers mental diseases to be a lifestyle choice.

Ancient Latin originally contained only two vowel sounds.

The average dictator stays in power for 12.3 years.

Now learn prostitution in school:
By Sidhi Chadha, New Delhi

A Diploma in Sex Trade? That will be among the several qualifications on offer when a government-sponsored school for prostitutes opens in the capital on Friday.

The move to encourage sex workers who are fully trained in their craft comes just days after the US threatened to impose sanctions unless the administration did something to regulate the flesh trade in the country.

Giving details of the scheme, Kamal Kishore, spokesperson for the Ministry of Human Resource & Development says only those who received training at the Institute for Carnal Studies (ICS) would be granted a license to operate legally. The government, he claims, would be providing the best infrastructure possible at the Institute.

"We have decided to hire sex workers with at least 10-12 years of experience as teachers. They will give students a first-hand account of how they made their way in the trade. Besides modern-day porn, the Institute will also have lessons from the Kamasutra so that lovemaking is pleasurable rather than being just about money," he says.

The girls will learn everything from seduction to handling finances. "It will be an honour to teach. Besides giving the girls useful tips about sex, we will also tell them how to seduce clients and extract maximum money. I am glad that the government is finally thinking about our needs," says Kamala, one of those on the ICS faculty.

While the Institute will offer a basic two-year degree programme for just Rs 2000, there will be advanced courses for those wishing to specialise as high-society call girls. With a growing demand for same-sex partners, ICS also has an option six-month crash course in 'Lesbian Relationships and Practices.' Special classes for gigolos could begin as early as next year.

"The students will get a lot of practical exposure. They will do a month-long internship in various red light areas of the country where they will practice what they have learnt. We also expect them to produce feedback from clients. The student who scores the highest in terms of client satisfaction will get a cash prize of Rs 1 lakh and also a chance to represent India at an international meet in Phuket, Thailand," says Kishore.

According to a senior official in the HRD Ministry, there could be a number of spin-offs from a bold initiative like this. "Look, we have failed to clamp down on prostitution despite our best efforts in the past. Doesn't it make better sense to open a school and bring the flesh trade out in the open? It will help us in many ways - first, prostitution will become a legitimate profession; the girls in the trade will no longer be looked down upon and ostracized from society. Second, ICS will produce highly trained individuals who will know all about safe sex, hygiene and the use of condoms. Our biggest hope is that the school will play a pivotal role in the fight against AIDS. Lastly, it is also our intention to eliminate pimps and others who exploit sex workers. Those found operating outside the purview of the ICS will be prosecuted," he says.

Application forms will be available from April 10 at select government offices. The forms can be also be downloaded from the ICS website (www.indianprostitute.org).

THE 100FT BREASTS:
By Magnus Gardham

A Scots artist plans to create a sculpture of a nude woman with 100ft breasts.

The figure would be 'carved' by bulldozers from a slag heap next to the A1north of Newcastle.

She would be known as the Goddess of the North and could become as famous as the giant Angel of the North sculpture just a few miles away.

Visitors will be able to roam all over the Goddess's curvy body thanks to a network of paths.

Plans show a spiral path winding its way up her right breast and another scaling her left hip.

The artist behind the scheme is Dumfriesshire-based Charles Jencks.

He said: 'When finished you will see the most incredible curvaceous woman lying there with her left leg over the right.'

The Goddess would be seen by millions of motorists and rail passengers making the journey between Scotland and England.

And as one of the world's biggest sculptures, she will be also be seen by airline passengers. The sculpture would sit between the A1 and main East coast rail line near the village of Shotton, Northumberland, about 10 miles north of Newcastle.

The idea emerged when mining company The Banks Group discovered millions of tons of coal beneath the site.

They are applying for planning permission to dig an open cast mine.

But aware of the controversy it would cause, they wanted to offer something special at the end of the project.

Instead of turning the site back to farmland, they called in Jencks to create a work of art.

And they have offered to let him use their giant earth-movers to build the Goddess.

The sculpture will eventually sit in the middle of a public 'art-park' with paths leading all over the giant woman.

From the top, walkers will enjoy stunning views.

They will look out on to the Northumberland coast to the east and Cheviot hills to the north.

The Goddess could even be grazed with sheep to keep her grass in trim.

American-born Jencks was behind the award-winning landscaping of the Scottish National Gallery of Modern Art in Edinburgh last year.

But his most famous work of art is his own garden in Portrack, near Dumfries, called the Garden of Cosmic Speculation.

The latest plans have been submitted to Northumberland County Council.

Banks Group plan to give the land to a charitable trust after mining operations have ended.

And they will ensure the trust has enough money to maintain the structure.



Jokes of the Day:

**************

Some religous levity:

A Sunday School teacher asked her class of young children a very simple question, or so she thought. She asked, "What is Easter?"

Immediately many children raised their hands. So the teacher called on one to answer the question.

The sweet child replied, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and gives
thanks."

"Wrong!," replied the teacher, and proceeded to choose a second child to answer the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second child replied, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

The teacher looked at the second child, shook her head, and tells him he's wrong.

Then a third child is selected to answer the question, "What is Easter?"

The third child smiles confidently and looks into the teacher's eyes and says, "I know what Easter is."

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave, which was then sealed off by a large boulder."

The teacher smiles broadly with delight.

Then the child continues,

"And every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out ... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

**************

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds,

"I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."

The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business..."

**************

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions for the first ime, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.' 'How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No shit?!? What happened next?'"

Later on, Crouton

Colin at 4:19 AM

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Just a test to see if blogger will take some code.



Colin at 1:36 PM

Friday, April 01, 2005

Quote of the Day:

We spend so much money on the military, yet we're slashing education budgets throughout the country. No wonder we've got smart bombs and stupid children. - Jon Stewart

Lookin' good, Mariah. Today's BOTD:



I tried to put this one up Wednesday but it didn't take. Simply Irresistible:



Okay girlz, you've been warned:



Happy, Happy, Happy:



This kinda makes a guy forget why he came into the restroom in the first place:



I've got my eye on you:



Oh-Oh:



Eeeeee, Yuck:



Nice tops, girlz:







And for you redneck girlz:



Of course, you need a sexy pair of thongs:



We can't forget the boyz:



Speaking of boyz:



So Boobula, you think your job sucks? Check out these career choices from the past:



The One Click KamaSutra:



More bar trivia with Cliff:

No matter what a woman says, she's faked an orgasm at least once.

A lump of pure gold the size of a matchbook can be flattened into a sheet the size of a tennis court.

In 1842, Dr. Crawford Long became the first physician to use anesthetic (ether) in surgery.

Massively multiplayer online role playing games (MMORPG's) account for over two fifths of the video game industry's revenues.

341 people were injured in 2004 when they attempted to iron clothes that they were wearing. Of those that were asked by the press why they tried it, all but one said it was because they were in a hurry.

One half of web sites on the Internet have not been updated in the last year.

The average amount of change given in a cash transaction at a retail store in the United States is $6.12.

Honduras grows 54 percent of the world's popcorn.

The Most Irritating Clichés:

At the end of the day

At this moment in time

The constant use of "like," as if it were a form of punctuation

With all due respect

Irritating Cliché Runners-Up:

24/7

absolutely

address the issue

awesome

ballpark figure

bear with me

between a rock and a hard place

blue-sky thinking

bottom line

crack troops

glass half full (or half empty)

I hear what you're saying

in terms of

it's not rocket science

literally

move the goal posts

on a weekly basis

ongoing

singing from the same hymn sheet

the fact of the matter is

thinking outside the box

to be honest with you

touch base

Handling Hidden Break-up Landmines:

Breaking up sucks, but at least you know what to expect....right? Not always. And often, the worst post-break-up blows aren't those (directly) dealt by your ex. Here's what to expect..and how to handle 'em when they come up.

Let's Talk About It... Again, and Again, and Again...

makes sense, given that you're the only two people in the world who really know what you're each going though. But tempting as it is to grieve over your failed love together, it's not going to cure anything. Dry your tears, wipe your nose and get your stuff out of the house and out of their life already.

But He's Changed!

Don't fall for the ruse if your new ex suddenly becomes the very person you wanted them to be. This is only a temporary ploy to win you back; you'll eventually have the same problems you always did.

We Really Can Just Be Friends

Sure, it's tough giving up that nightly non-sexual rituals you still enjoy, but neither of you are going to be able to move on with your lives if you're still acting like you're together, just without the sex. Breaking up is (usually) more than just deciding not to share a mattress anymore. While you and your new ex are adjusting to being single again, keep your distance. You'll only get their hopes up for a post-break-up hook up (and you know that's a bad idea).

The Gut-Wrenching Rebound (Hint: It's Not Yours)

It won't be easy to see someone new gleefully enjoy your new-and-improved ex while you're still stuck paying the renovation bill. (This may be a good time to write another never-to-be-sent letter, this time explaining to the new love how you taught that worthless creep to put the toilet seat down). If it makes you feel any better, just remember while you're asking yourself how they could possibly get over you so quickly: they can't, but they can pretend to.

By Laura Snyder
Copyright Fun Online Corporation



Jokes of the Day:

**************

A Russian man is walking through a bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell him some illegal Viagra for 100 rubles.

"No, not worth it!" he says

"OK, how about 50 rubles?"

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, 20?"

"No, not worth it!"

"How about 10?"

"No, not worth it!"

"Listen, these pills cost $10 American each. How can you say they are not worth it?"

"Oh, the pills are worth it, my wife is not worth it."

**************

Redneck medical terms:

Artery - The study of paintings.
Benign - What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria.
Barium - What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan - Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her.
Colic - A sheep dog.
Coma - A punctuation mark.
D&C - Where Washington is.
Dilate - To live long.
Enema - Not a friend.

**************

Last year my daughter, who is eight years old now, attended a "before and after care" program at school due to the fact that me and the ex both worked and could not pick her up at school or be at either of our homes in time for the school bus.

One day when I was supposed to pick my daughter up on Friday for a weekend with me, I unexpectedly got hung up at work. I called the ex and we agreed that whoever left work first would pick her up from the school.

As soon as I could possibly leave, I madly drove to the school. Arriving, I found my daughter playing a game with her best friend. While she was getting her books and etc. together, her best friend's mother arrived. Since we know each other, I was standing talking with the mother when my ex arrived.

The ex is best friends with my daughter's friend’s mother so all three of us were conversing when the friend’s mother (who collects the old Barbie dolls) mentioned she had received a doll she bought off of eBay. She promptly went out to her car and got the doll to show it off.

As the women were oogling over the Barbie doll, my daughter came up and wanted to see the doll. Since this idea was met with skeptical eyes from the proud new owner, I informed my daughter that this was an old Barbie doll, not a doll she could play with, it was one that you just "look at."

She took this in stride, but after about ten seconds asked if she could see the puppy. (She has several of the Barbie dolls and many of them have the little dog as an accessory.) The friend informed her that this Barbie did not have a dog.

My daughter then replied loudly, "But Daddy says all the old Barbies have BIG PUPPIES!"

Later on, Crouton

Colin at 4:22 AM